Dovetailing into the “questions I get asked by people to break free of the iron fist” I added this as a “BONUS QUESTION” but I wrote far to much, and the subject does deserve its own blog entry. Also I was KO’d with food poisoning today so its at the forefront of my mind.
I get this question in many forms, as a statement, as a rhetorical question and sometimes its even inquisitive. “How in the (hell, fuck, world) do you manage a career and being a single parent?” This one is a bit more personal with than most of my blogs, but its an important subject. Everything I do is through the lens as a “single parent.” It colors everything from my career, personal relationships and my access to free time. With that being said lets do this:
When I was awarded custody, I had to re-prioritize everything. Anytime there is a life changing experience like a child you have to re prioritize, but this took a lot more than just “okay I’ll give up this meet up and you give up book club.” It was rough until I got it under control. I didn’t balance it right at first. Example , I was let go from a gig because I was unable to come in at 2230 on a Wednesday to an Ops center. Others employers didn’t get it- “Oh, when you said you were a single father, I thought you’d be leaving a bit early every other Friday.”
You have to look at everything, and strip it down to the bone- work, social life, networking. Once you get the basics under control, you can add stuff back, a little at a time. Its not going to be the same, but you’ll learn the balance. My current employer is awesome when it comes to the kid, I got lucky. Take note employers, just by being cool about my kid, my current firm has my loyalty.
Second, everything is on fire all the time, and you gotta be okay with that. I basically keep everything at a controlled burn, opposed to putting out the fires.
<narrator>Ain’t no body got time for that
I keep them to where they can’t burn down the house. When my kid broke her arm, the house burnt down. The house HAD to burn down in that situation. The processes, and daily routines were smashed, and maintaining anything beyond the basics was nearly impossible.
You feel like you’re running between both lives all the time, and stuff falls through the cracks, The only thing you have to do is know which things CANNOT fall through the cracks. Just like the first one, know the priority of what you’re dropping. You’re going to miss opportunities and socializing with friends, and again, you gotta be okay with that. Remember though, its not about you. Got a big meeting with a client that conflicts with something your kid is doing. The client can wait. If this opinion is unpopular with your boss, find a new one. You’re going to get a better ROI by attending your kid’s event than a meeting.
Third, you have to be prepared to throw money at stuff. Wanna go to a conference in Chicago? Budget an extra 500–600 bucks for on the ground child care. Wanna go to that meet up, its going to be 100 bucks for a sitter. Long day in the datamines, you aren’t Superman, order a damn pizza. Know your limits, know when you’re pushing them and then figure out a way to back away from that limit. Outsource everything you can. Wash and fold laundry is my favorite. Kid’s clothes aren’t heavy, so its not too expensive to get done. They get the stains out, and you gain 3 or so hours of free time, for like 20 bucks. Also, those blue apron boxed meal things, amazing. “So I toss this in the microwave and I can have dinner without a gallon of salt, ef yes.”
Fourth, and most important — Explain to your kid whats going on. They don’t need details, and they won’t get it until their in 1st grade or so. But when I tell my kid “Daddy had to do math all day, his brain is tired.” They get it. She knows there are times when I can’t be disturbed or I’m going to be yelly. But as long as you articulate the issue before hand, they tend to understand.
Is it hard? Yes, its the hardest thing I have ever done. Do you regret it? No.
I’ve made a bunch of sacrifices, but I don’t regret anything. The rewards out weight what I’ve given up, and each month it gets easier. Then someday, she won’t be here, and that is the most heartbreaking thought of all.
